With the impending release of a certain set of heretofore secret documents related to UFOs and extraterrestrial life, we at Raconteur Press have come into possession of a sheaf of those important papers. In the spirit of full disclosure, we feel it is incumbent upon us to share with the public what we have discovered.
30 February 1972
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
The following account is the sworn statement of Mr [REDACTED], a [REDACTED] living in [REDACTED] County, [REDACTED].
Statement recorded on 12 October 1971.
I was coming home from squirrel hunting about 3 AM last [REDACTED], when I came upon a sight that amazed me. Driving south, I saw a green light in the sky over [REDACTED] Road about 50 yards ahead. This got my attention on account of folks out here don’t have electricity, and if’n they did, they’d get their Monday night [REDACTED] on Wednesday. Anyhow, this light was so bright that it was hard to look at. I ain’t seen nothing like it. I stopped my truck and sat in the road with the engine idling, when the next thing I knew, I woke up in some kind of-- well, I was on a submarine in the [REDACTED] War, and it looked a lot like the inside of one of those. It smelled just as bad, too, but different. If orange had a smell, that’s what it smelled like.
Anyhow, I come to face-down on some kind of table that was too small, and I couldn’t move it seemed. I was hurting here and there, and my feet felt cold as they hung off the edge. At first, I was afraid. I was petrified, but directly they commenced to poking and prodding, and I felt a particular insult in my [REDACTED]. I’m here to tell you -- a man just don’t take that kind of thing lyin’ down.
They were little fellers, sort of gray like a cold cigarette ash. They weren’t wearing no [REDACTED]. I stayed real still-like whilst they moved around the table making funny sounds that didn’t sound like words to me. The biggest one seemed to be the leader, and he’d say something and directly one of the other fellers would do something or poke me some kind of way. I was getting pretty fed up when I spied my boots and my overalls on the floor over in the corner. At this point, I decided I must make my move.
I sprang to my feet, almost banging my head on the ceiling. I heard a terrible clatter as some kind of pipe fell out of my [REDACTED], but I didn’t have time to think about what was going on down there. Them gray varmints was surprised and I improvised a move I saw Jerry Lawler do, only with my own little twist I like to think of as the Atomic Donkey [REDACTED]. They were very short, and I hit one of them right square on the forehead with my [REDACTED]. Now they were afraid. They seemed petrified.
I grabbed my overalls and wrapped a [REDACTED] around the [REDACTED] of the littlest varmint and I looked the biggest one in his big glassy eyeball.
“I swear I’ll throttle ever’ last one of you if you don’t take me back to my truck.”
For the second time that night, I blacked out, this time to find myself behind the steering wheel of my truck, the motor still running. The green light was gone, and the woods seemed unusually quiet. I woulda thought it was a dream, but when I come to this time, my overalls was on backwards.
The only after effects from that experience were that I can no longer fully enjoy hot-links, jalapenos, nor Uncle Eugene’s [REDACTED]-winning Super Hot Chow Chow any more. I may take a break from night hunting for a bit, too.
1981 April 31
Hialeah, WA
Suzi Quintro (age 19):
Okay, so like, [REDACTED]!
I was like closing up the [REDACTED] Cone Saturday night like I always do which is like so lame because last [REDACTED] I had to miss the final episode of [REDACTED] and my best friend Chrissie was like do you want to go to the [REDACTED] after which is always like so totally bitchin’ anyway I’m cleaning like the [REDACTED] machine again which is, like, grody to the max and my boss is like, ‘are you into [REDACTED]?’ And I’m like, ‘oh right, no way!’ So he starts turning into this giant green [REDACTED], you know, like, scraping the ceiling, and all, like, [REDACTED] [REDACTED]? Barf me out! I don’t think I can handle this, you know? I’m, like, [REDACTED] out. I’m so sure! Like, hurt me, hurt me, you giant [REDACTED] and I grab the [REDACTED] scooper and
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
So by the time my ride came [REDACTED].
Gag me with a [REDACTED]!
09:57 Fire watch rounds completed. Nothing to report. 😁
I can neither confirm nor deny what is contained in these files. What I can say is [REDACTED].